Editor's note*: Letters addressed to "ESPN The Ragazine" recently began arriving from a P.O. Box in Pennsylvania, signed by "The Fixer," whose angry but semi-brilliant takes aim to improve sports. Here, he overhauls how MMA bouts are scored... and he's throwing sharp elbows.
*Editor's-note note: This letter isn't real in the literal sense. But metaphorically? As real as it gets.
Dear ... When is the Body Issue again?
I love the UFC. Simple rules! One clear goal! Just two people, one cage and no doubt -- EXCEPT THERE IS CONSTANTLY DOUBT! Draws, majority draws, split decisions... why is judging cagefighting a giant mess EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND? I don't know, but I can tell you three ways to make scoring fights not such a cluster:
1. Be judgier
How'd we settle on three judges at cageside? What, we can't find more judges in 'Merica? (My cousin Jerry'll do it for free -- he hasn't done bupkus since the feds raided his bowling alley and found all those weird Icelandic earwings.) Why not add two more, cover every angle alongside the cage and improve your chances of avoiding bogus decisions? (Cue mic dropping)
2. Death to the 10-point must
This is quite literally the most FUBAR scoring system ever. Seriously, how did this begin -- that the fighter who wins a close round gets 10 and the fighter who loses gets 9? Awesome round, terrible round, two-guys-do-nothing-round, all starting with the same exact score as a baseline... WTH? How about we start every round at 0-0, then we tally points based on a great punch, kick, takedown or submission attempt? Suuuure, that makes judging a little harder, and it means one judge might score a round 29-13 and another has it 15-15 but BOO-DIDDLY-HOO!!! (You know what else is hard? Fracking your own backyard. But you don't see that stopping ME!) Besides, how many fights have you seen where a guy wins the first few rounds and then coasts? Well now we're puttin' live scores up on the big screen, so the losing fighter knows he needs to close a 30-point gap in the last round! DESPERATION+BRUTALITY=FUN!!!
3. Guess who's breaking ties? YOU!
On the off chance that my brilliant system STILL results in a draw, good news: Your vote counts now! Using a new app (call it ESPN++ or something) that instantly QUADRUPLE fan engagement in fights, fans at home get one vote at the end of the fight for who won. Sorta like the votes I hold every week on my Storage Wars Reddit page!
There. Problem solved. (And if you keep publishing these, don't I get some sort of freelance writer fee?)
The Fixer
* Score for yourself at UFC Fight Night: Dos Anjos vs. Lee (5 p.m. ET, May 18, ESPN+).