AUGUSTA -- There was a time, not even that long ago, when Rory McIlroy felt lost.
He'd won a lot of golf tournaments. He'd reached No. 1 in the world rankings. He'd made an obscene amount of money at a young age, started a foundation, entered into a high-profile relationship with another celebrity athlete, won three Ryder Cups, and became a global spokesman for a dozen major brands. And he still wasn't entirely comfortable in his own skin.
"Whenever you're in your 20s, I feel like you're still searching for who you are," said McIlroy, in the build-up to his ninth Masters appearance. "Everyone goes through that awkward stage in their lives."
Not everyone, however, undergoes that search for self on such a public stage. McIlroy, at heart, is a people pleaser. He's the rare professional athlete who frequently puts other people's feelings before his own. Even as he won majors and rose to prominence, he says he found himself wrestling with who he wanted to be. Should he reign in his razor-sharp wit, lest he offend the wrong person or sponsor, or continue speaking his mind? Should he commit to play for Ireland or Great Britain in the Olympics, or skip the event entirely? Whose career should he use as a model for his own, Tiger Woods' obsessive assault on the record books, or Jack Nicklaus' delicate juggling act of golf and family life?
He tried various approaches, never, he says, feeling entirely comfortable with any of them. In some ways, that quest felt similar to his preparation for the Masters, a tournament he seemed destined to win from the moment he burst onto the professional golf scene, but one that has tortured him more than any. Should he be bold and aggressive, or tactical and patient? Should he narrow his focus on this one tournament, make several trips to Augusta prior to April and play numerous practice rounds, or try to temper the pressure on himself by treating it like any other tournament?
But today, and increasingly with each passing week, McIlroy seems at peace with his life away from golf. He no longer tries to be the perfect brand ambassador, he says, or model celebrity. He speaks his mind when he's compelled to make a point, whether it's about politics or the governing bodies of golf. He regularly pokes fun at himself in interviews. He'll needle golf personalities -- the Golf Channel's Brandel Chamblee and NBC's Johnny Miller in particular -- about his fitness routine or his swing through his Twitter account, and clapback at trolls when he wants to amuse himself. His wedding to Erica Stoll is scheduled for two weeks after the Masters, and over the past year, he's frequently mentioned that his relationship with her has been a grounding force in his once hectic life. When he thinks about the person he was five years ago, he can't help but smile at the journey.
"I think the more I became comfortable in my own skin and my own convictions, that's when I realized I'll just have to live my life the way I do," McIlroy said. "Some people will like that, and some people don't."
Will that inner peace translate into a green jacket, which would make McIlroy the sixth player in history to win the career Grand Slam?
It's possible the Masters will continue to bedevil him for years to come, and that each missed opportunity will only add weight to the anchor draped around McIlroy's neck the first week of April. But this year's tournament may also represent McIlroy's best chance to win since 2011, when he entered Sunday with a four-shot lead, then shot 80. The scars from that day healed long ago, even if each year he is forced to recount them in some form -- especially the ghastly image of his drive landing near the cabins on the 10th hole that led to a triple bogey. But the wisdom he gained from that collapse played a significant role, McIlroy believes, in the golfer he eventually became. That was four major victories ago.
"Nothing is given to you," McIlroy said, when asked what lingers in his head when he thinks about 2011. "You have to go and work for it. And it's never over. You can never give up, because it takes either a lapse of concentration from someone else, or a moment of brilliance from yourself to turn things around."
How should we assess McIlroy's chances this week? Cautious optimism seems fair. His game is trending in the right direction following top-10 finishes in his last two stroke-play events, and he's seemingly not suffering from too much wear and tear after a rib injury limited his pre-Masters schedule. He's one of the favorites, but with Dustin Johnson, Jordan Spieth and Jason Day soaking up much of the attention, not the sole focus of pre-tournament hype that he's been in recent years. His putting may never be a strength -- his strokes-gained-putting is still below tour average -- but he's made noticeable strides since he first began working with Phil Kenyon, an English putting guru who's done wonders for Henrik Stenson and Justin Rose. If the weather forecast holds, and rain softens the course for the first two days, it's easy to imagine his majestic drives and towering iron shots putting him in position to blitz the field.
"Trust me, he's certainly capable of it, and he'll win at least one," Spieth said of McIlroy. "I think if you ask every single player [if McIlroy will win here], that wouldn't be a question."
Then again, when it comes to Augusta, it's never that simple -- especially for McIlroy, whose approach to this course has been both his best friend and his worst enemy. McIlroy was practicing in Florida recently when he spotted Jack Nicklaus at the other end of the driving range, the 18-time major winner pounding drivers in an effort to prepare for the ceremonial tee shot on Thursday. Nicklaus kept hitting the ball weakly to the left, so McIlroy fiddled with the adjustable weight in Nicklaus' driver, and after a few swings, Nicklaus started hitting subtle fades. McIlroy joked that if Nicklaus outdrives Gary Player, he wanted a nod from Nicklaus on the club fitting. Afterward, they had a short but insightful conversation about Masters strategy.
"He said to me, 'I took on too much a couple of times and it cost me a couple green jackets.' I'm like, 'Well, you have six, Jack.'" McIlroy said. "But it's a golf course that can tempt you. It can tempt you into doing a little too much."
McIlroy specifically mentioned the 11th hole in the third round of last year's Masters as one he'd love to have back. He drove it into the pine straw on the left and, instead of laying up, tried to hit a low hook around a tree to get it onto the green. The ball found the water, and McIlroy was never seriously in contention again. "You don't want to go chasing it on this golf course, because when you chase it," McIlroy said, "that's when things can start to go wrong."
After adopting various strategies here over the years, McIlroy now seems to have settled on coming to Augusta as frequently as possible, hopeful that through sheer repetition, he'll pick up on the subtle nuances and quirks that players like Woods and Mickelson seem to know so well. Just before the Match Play, he traveled to Augusta and played 27 holes in one day, then returned a week later and played 54 holes over a two-day span.
"I've realized that the more I get comfortable with this golf course, and the club as a whole, the more I can get comfortable with the environment and the surroundings, the better," McIlroy said. "The more I can play the golf course and almost make it seem second nature, the better."
Still, even with more than 100 holes played in Augusta practice rounds this year, one could still see McIlroy searching this week during his practice rounds, hitting wedges to phantom pin positions, rolling putts to spots where he'd never been. Several times, he looked surprised to see a shot come up short, or a ball break subtly in unexpected ways. No matter how at peace you are in your life, Augusta National has a knack for leaving even the most self-assured man searching for answers.